The Wig He Made Her Wear may well be the quintessential Patterson Hood song. Musically, it’s a bit different than most of his stuff, but the story and the way he tells it sums who Patterson is as a writer perfectly. It’s modern day Southern Gothic at its best.

It’s the kind of song that makes me want to run up to people on the street, grab them by the shoulders and shake them so furiously it causes a reverse seizure, and then put a wooden spoon on their tongue and gently stroke their hair as I explain to them how amazing the track is.

But as usual, the lyrics themselves say far more than I could, so here they are:

It was as open and shut as anything I have seen

He was a pillar of town his reputation was clean

It was right before Easter in the first week of spring

He didn’t show up for service that Wednesday night

The congregation knew something weren’t right

Blood on the bed when they opened the door

The preacher was dead on the bedroom floor

And it was them high-heeled shoes and that wig he made her wear

Everyone knew there had to be some outside thing that made this happen

Because they seemed like the perfect family

He’d been shot in the back, a day before he was found

His wife and three kids were nowhere around

An Amber Alert was issued in town

Everyone was shocked at the scene of the crime

She’d taken the kids across two state lines

Found her in Orange Beach with the kids in the car

Sent back to Selmer to await her trial for first-degree murder

Was she crazy or just plain old mean to have gone and done it?

She said she heard the bang and was afraid he’d be mad and made a run for it

Said, they were having a fight and the gun was a bluff

She didn’t pull the trigger it just went off

Said that he berated her about everything

Make her do things that made her feel so ashamed

Nobody at church would ever suspect

Made her dress up slutty before they had sex

In the courtroom that day there was an audible gasp

What they put up on display the locals couldn’t quite grasp

There was an audible gasp in the courtroom that day

When the defense pulled out and displayed

Them high-heeled shoes and that wig he made her wear

Reduced her charge to voluntary manslaughter

And I ain’t judging either way but she’s already out of jail

And if for some inexcusable reason, you still don’t have the album, get it here, otherwise I’m gonna come shake you like a drunken, abusive, asshole father who just found out you got kicked off the football team for sucking off the quarterback.

Hi, my name’s Peter, and I’m a Drive-by Truckers addict, but I hate sitting in circles in church basements, and I can’t live without my DBT, so fuck you guys [kicks over plastic chair], I’m out of here. Thanks for the coffee. I’ll need the caffeine for the binge this weekend.

Quite frankly, there’s been so much DBT news leading up to the release of The Big To-Do on Tuesday, that it’s even gotten hard for me to keep up with it all. For starters, you’ve got the webisode above, and that’s remarkable for two reasons. One, Cooley rarely explains his songs. He’s more of one of those “here’s the song, you fucking figure it out, or not—I don’t give a shit, there’s the song” type of guys, and quite frankly, his songs are always so badass, we all just say “Oh! Thank you!” Secondly, the video above is remarkable merely for the line “let ol’ Miss Trixie sit up front with her great big ol’ titties.” That’s so beautiful it’s worth quoting the quote of the quote. Hell, I’ll do it again, “let Miss Trixie sit up front with her great big ol’ titties.” Fantastic.

In case you haven’t heard by now, you can stream The Big To-Do album in its entirety on the Truckers page. I’d say it’s the best work they’ve ever done in the studio, and I’ll have a track-by-track break down for you next week, unless I decide that life will never get better than listening to this album and I off myself over the weekend. Probably not going to happen, but the album is that amazing. Honestly, March is too early to pick the best record of the year, but let’s just say anyone who wants to beat this one is going to have to make a pretty good deal with the devil, and quite frankly, I’m not sure you can ever make a good deal with Satan. He’s a tricky bastard.

Now if a masterfully played and recorded album would make you start to think the Truckers are just a studio band, you’d be about as wrong as dog lasagna. If you need proof, go see them live, immediately. Like buy a ticket now. If you’re not in Atlanta this weekend, and you need instant gratification (is there any other kind?), you can stream tonight’s and Saturday night’s shows at the Variety Playhouse on iClips. It’s not the same as being there, but quite frankly, if you don’t have tickets yet, you ain’t getting ‘em.

Also, the Truckers are on Letterman tonight. They pre-taped it earlier this week because Letterman doesn’t shoot on Fridays, but if he did, considering the way things are going for this band, I wouldn’t put it past them to figure out a way to be in two places at once. They’re just that good.

And finally, the Truckers have announced that they will be touring with Tom Petty this summer. I know, it’s like getting tickets for a package show featuring Jesus and Buddha, except with a lot more whiskey and looser women. Now I need to stop typing, because I need to use my hands to point as I shout along with these songs and make my rock face.

It’s not like I need to prime the pump for the Trucker’s new record the Big To-Do coming out on March 16^th, but hey, it’s DBT, and sometimes I just can’t help myself. The album’s fucking epic, and I’ll probably give myself a happy seizure writing the full review. You can read more about This Fucking Job here.

Big thanks to jonicont for making this and other high quality DBT videos and posting them on his youtube channel. Shooting and recording live music isn’t easy, especially with a band as loud as the Truckers, but he does a damn fine job. And no one has captured them playing People Who Died this well (believe me, I’ve looked for it):

I’m pretty sure the Truckers cover this song so much, because it’s the only song in the world where more people die than in one of their own tracks, plus it’s badass.

Of course, the show ain’t over until I hear Let There Be Rock, which has admittedly made for some awkward situations when I drunkenly refuse to leave the venue if they haven’t played it. “Polite but firm” my ass, security dudes.

Ok, I’ll reluctantly quit my DBT video binge after just three videos, but if you’re a Trucker fan (and you should be) you need to check out jonicont’s youtube channel and subscribe to it, he’s got some great stuff, including the Big To-Do’s vinyl only bonus track Girls Who Smoke.

The fine folks over at Blurt are reporting that DBT’s Mike Cooley will be releasing his first solo project this April. Holy shit! I just soiled my pants in two different places. A Cooley solo project? That’s like that first cigarette the morning after you quit: you didn’t even know it was coming, but damned if you didn’t need it.

In case you don’t know, Cooley is today’s preeminent dark poet. He’s like Edgar Allen Poe, if Poe had been a third degree black belt on guitar, had stayed off the junk, and didn’t dress like such a nancy.

Keep in mind, the Truckers are also releasing two new studio albums this year and full length documentary, and last year they released Patterson’s solo album, a studio album, a Grammy-winning album with Booker T, and a live CD and DVD. Jesus Christ, I’m lazy. You’re lazy. We’re all a bunch of good for nothing lazy turds next to these guys. Shit, even Tiger Woods looks like a card-carrying roustabout that doesn’t do anything or anyone next to the Truckers.

Cooley told Blurt:

“It’s not an album, it’s not a full-length record. It’s not even an EP,” he says. “There’s no way I can describe it. You’ll think I’m fucking with you if I start describing it. You’ll just have to see. The only thing I’ll tell you is this – it’s high art.”

High art? Well, as long as it’s not a Polaroid of his balls, I’ll be fucking stoked.

Just in case those god damned earthquakes in Haiti haven’t been enough to make you grateful for what you’ve got, maybe this new accoustic track from Patterson Hood will make your quality of life seem more tangible, at least related to previous generations of Americans and what they’ve been through.

Granted, you’re APR probably does suck fat, sweaty, blue-blooded banker balls, but the amount of flour you can consume in a week isn’t rationed by the government—although a butter ration may not be the worst thing for this country right now, well for everyone except me.

Grocery prices may be up and tomatoes may not have flavor anymore, but 100 million acres of farm soil hasn’t eroded and turned to dust—then again, now that I think of it, this tomato thing is really pissing me off. But still, flavorless, genetically altered tomatoes may get us down, but it’s no Great Depression—more like a Great Annoyance. At least so far.

I’m not saying things aren’t really shitty now, but we’ve still got it good… enough, I think. Well, fuck if I know. I guess it’s not really a competition for the superlative. My point is, people have been through tough shit before, but they always found a way to clear out their bowels.

Listen to “Depression Era” by Patterson and see if you can figure something out. My take is, we need to toughen up, stop complaining, and wait until we’re older and the world changes again before we kill someone just because shit ain’t right—though it’ll be a pretty long list by the time I hit my 80’s.

Patterson’s got it up as a free download on his page, here.

I’ve been a Cracker fan since, well, since before I did all those things that make it hard to remember stuff, and God knows I’m a huge fan of anything Patterson does. After the making it through the year of Bromance, it’s nice to hear a song about what guy friendship is really about: I won’t fuck your ex; if you can still move one of your legs, I’ll help you walk home; and I might even put a blanket on you when you pass out, if the dog ain’t sleeping on it.