Last night, the Academy of Country Music Awards were held in Las Vegas. It’s easy to get the ACM’s confused with the CMA’s, because much like commercial country music, it’s all just the same shit in a slightly different order.

Three years ago, Troy Gentry pled guilty to shooting a domesticated, caged bear named “Cubby.” This year the ACM gave Montgomery Gentry their humanitarian award. As horrible as that may be, it still shows more integrity than giving them an award for their music.

Fancy!

Seriously, you’re going to put on that jacket and a $500 cowboy hat, with a perfectly groomed cock trellis for a mustache and expect two weak fists to make you look tough? That just makes it look like the Village People’s wardrobe boy was phoning it in.

Brad Paisley has a paisley print guitar? Well isn’t that just darling.

So, I guess, ultimately, Charlie Daniels lost that fiddle competition with the devil and his soul.

When I saw this, I immediately googled “John Fogerty, IRS problems,” and nothing came up. Did I misspell his name or something?

Taylor Swift performed but didn’t win any awards, which proves there is a God, but he’s a vengeful bastard.

Keith Urban waxes his chest, because, you know, that’s country.

Carrie Underwood won Entertainer of the Year. What? It’s not like they call the category Artist of the Year.

I just can’t figure out how Laura Bell Bundy got a record deal. No idea at all.

Someday, Cowboy Troy will write his auto-biography. It will be the most disturbing book ever written, described as a combination of To Kill a Mocking Bird, The Diary of Anne Frank, and the Cocaine Chronicles.