“I can hear the ocean— and it’s selling out… wait, that’s my blood.”

The moment Fergie walked on stage at the Grammy’s wearing a metal visor and matching codpiece, somewhere backstage, a disgruntled wardrobe person won a $10 bet and grinned big enough to make another year of this bullshit seem worthwhile.

Something is seriously wrong with our society’s disconnect from reality. Watching these four clowns dressed like villains from a bad Tron spinoff jump around for three minutes and yell “mazoltov” in a robot voice doesn’t make your credit card debt go away.

Does Ke$ha always look like she just got fucked in the ass for heroin for the first time? Is that her thing? Cool.

It’s hard to believe Jamie Foxx sounded more ridiculous than he looked.

That “Blame it on the Alcohol” song by Jamie Foxx and T-Pain won a Grammy for best R&B performance by a duo or group with vocals. Yeah, vocals. That, in a nutshell is the state of the music industry today.

Lady Gaga brought some class and artistry to the crowd. Seriously. Yes, I am looking at the same picture as you.

If Lady Gaga doesn’t occasionally lie in bed at night and giggle, no one does.

If I was involved enough in Native American culture to make an album Native American music, it would take more than one trophy to make me this nice to white people.

Honestly, it’s got to be really hard to be in your mid thirties and to try to compete with Lady Gaga. You go get ‘em, Pink!

When Lionel Ritchie sees kids that are too fucked up to have a chance, he knows it.

As if it’s not strange enough to be raised by Michael Jackson, to have your father die so publicly, and for you to be used by his remaining family for fame and fortune, it has to be a serious head fuck when your dead, pedophile father is broadcast in 3-D.

“Seriously, you gonna give me crap? Taylor Swift won five fucking Grammys. I may be a part of the American Idol bullshit pop machine, but at least I can sing other people’s songs well. That bitch is tone deaf. No seriously, did you hear her with Stevie Nicks? Jesus Christ, that was fucking horrible. I mean Stevie was great, but shit, that was shameful. Honestly, I just feel bad for the other musicians here. It really devalues their work and talent. It’s a shame.”

I had to no idea you could actually see someone missed a note.

“Oh wow, Record of the Year—jeez, gosh, I don’t know what to say– I’d like to thank God, or as you call him, “Satan.’”

You think a lot of little girls ask their fathers for ponies? Wait until they find out that Taylor Swift’s dad bought her first million albums before they were ever recorded in order to get her a record deal.

Taylor Swift’s rise to the top has been so warrantless and without merit, that I’m actually starting to fear her inevitable train wreck will be too tragic for me to enjoy.

And of course, congratulations to Booker T and all the many, many more very talented artists who won and were nominated for untelevised awards. Except Michael Buble. He knows why.