It’s easy to talk shit about 2009 when it’s got it’s back turned, so “Fuck you, you stupid twat! Yeah, walk away. Walk away, dick.” I’m aligning myself with a winner. The hot new thing: 2010. So here now are my predictions for the music world next year:

Oasis will reunite, and then breakup again following a slap fight after Noel accidentally wore one of Liam’s Polo shirts.

Due to overly constricting skinny jeans and the lack of support in Chuck Taylor’s, a hipster will lose control of his muted, self-conscious dancing and spill an ironic beer on Animal Collective’s equipment and electrocute them all. No one will notice, as it sounds more or less the same. It doesn’t sound bad per se, if that’s your kind of thing, just about the same.

Madonna’s shriveled and aged vagina will fall out of her pants during a trip to Africa. Her fans will call it a brave statement of sexual independence, while locals will use it as birth control.

Jay Reatard will slap his biggest fan in the face with his dick, and yet it will still be pretty cool.

Bon Jovi will release an album so bad that it will actually find your old copy of “Slippery When Wet” and destroy it.

The Back Eyed Peas will release an autotuned recording of Fergie having an abortion. It will break all known sales records.

Taylor Swift: Scientologist.

Courtney Love will lose custody of her taxidermy turtle due to a court order sighting the dead turtle’s best interests.

Jack White will do something awesome.

Meg White, “1..2..3..4…1..2..3… wait, what’s next? Pills!”

Rihanna will get back together with Chris Brown, and he will hit her again. No, it’s not funny, but if I’m making predictions, I’m going with the statistics.

U2 will release an album that’s pretty good, but not as good as you had hoped.

Lady Gaga will wear a dress made entirely out of crippled children.

Caleb Followell will fuck the only girl in Europe that he hasn’t yet.

The Drive-by Truckers will release an album so good that I actually piss myself and even decide I don’t mind telling people about it.

Kanye West: quite frankly I don’t give a fuck.

The Stone Temple Pilots will continue to be “almost finished” with their new album.

Galactic will release an album featuring guest spots by the Dirty Dozen Brass Band, Trombone Shorty, and several of New Orleans’ finest tranny rappers, and it will be fucking awesome.

After smoking a rock cooked from his own finger nail clippings and a five hour energy shot, Lil Wayne will have an epiphany and put down the fucking prop guitar.

The Remaining Jackson 4 will dig up Michael’s body and Weekend-at-Bernie’s him while making Christ like comparisons for the season finale of their reality show. To ensure ample media coverage, Michael’s corpse will molest a little boy.