REALLY AMERICA, THESE ARE OUR MUSIC AWARDS?
Jermaine Jackson accepting the award for best pop/rock male artist, in honor of his brother, a dead, drug-riddled, child molester who didn’t release an album this year. Nothing strange about that.
Due to extenuating craziness, I think we have all over looked the significance and hilarity of the fact that Jermaine Jackson has a son named “Jermajesty.” No shit, that’s really his name.
On the outside, it probably seems like Daughtry’s go it made. He doesn’t do jack shit and he gets paid in cocaine and pussy, but underneath it all, he has to feel like Don Draper if his wife, three pregnant chicks, his long lost brother, and his real birth certificate all walkedinto his office at the same time.
“Oh no, Whitney, no. No, you can’t use this to chisel away the oxycontin hardened shit bricks in your asshole. No, this is an award of some sort.”
“Well thanks for nothing than, jackasses! Now, someone get me my pills, my crow bar, and some KY. Momma needs to empty.”
Keith Urban waxes his chest. That ain’t country.
At that exact moment, Nicole’s head spun furiously and her life crashed out of control, as she realized she has a “type.”
Yeah, sure, I listen to World Music.
I can’t tell if Taylor Swift is acting like she didn’t know she would win after they brought in a full camera crew, set up a lighting rig, did her makeup, and tested her mic feed before setting up a live satellite feed across the globe, or if she is actually surprised, because she knows she can’t sing and can’t believe the charade has gone this far either.
What do you mean that’s not country? It clearly says “saloon” on the lcd screen behind Carrie Underwood.
Beyond the savage beating, beyond the media frenzy, and beyond the commercial exploitation of a very serious problem, we all seem to have overlooked the fact that Rihanna can’t sing worth a shit.
“So, how are we going to handle Rihanna’s first televised performance after being brutally beaten Chris Brown in the public eye?”
“Hmm, how about we have her sing a song called Russian Roulette with the lyrics “I’m terrified, but I’m not leaven’, no I know that I must pass this test, so just pull the trigger,” while she’s wearing a see through body suit with spikes on the shoulder as she dances with dudes with ninja masks and glass boxes on their heads?”
“Perfect.”
In a world where Taylor Swift is artist of the year, I guess a chick in a nude suit with a fake dick taped down with some queer bird backup dancers is pretty sexy.
Lady Gaga has this awesome situation where no matter what she does, her defenders can say “yeah but, she’s trying to be weird.” That’s like using dynamite in rock, paper, scissors.
People say, “Well, Will.i.am just figured out the formula and is making pop hits- he’s just playing the game. You have to respect a guy who knows how to do that…” No, fuck you. I don’t respect that. I respect a guy who figured out the formula to make a shitty hit, but still makes good music anyway. It’s not a complicated formula for, fuck’s sake. He’s wearing a god damned Elvis whig while played a keytar and using “Mozol Tov!” as a lyric. That’s fucking retarded.
Don’t you feel stupid for hoping we could fix this country a few months ago?
A video this man made moved more Americans to vote for President than ever before, yet we have the nerve to look down on both Mexican politics and soap operas.
That other dude looks so much like a chick that it’s hard to believe it upset anybody. Then again, once you give a dude a confused boner, you know you’re gonna hear about “evil” and “sin” for days.
It would be easier to make fun of Adam Lambert, if he didn’t do this after his performance.
